Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Stereotype Malayali

The hero is contemplating the situation. .. before him lies the most desolate place on earth.... no man have ever returned from there .... already faced numerous obstacles but our hero is ready to endure more to reach the goal......he takes the next step, and then another..... finally utilizing the last solace of his willpower he reaches the place.... a place where no man have ever walked... a place whose conquest will take him to the pinnacle of glory..... a place..... What the ......

There stands before him Kuttapan, with his lungi and beedi, smiling nonchalantly at him... and of course, running his tea-shop (Kuttapan's Chayakada)...

This is the running gag about Malayalis; and an incident made me realize this...

Summer 2008: we were taking an adventure trip to Lake District....we were 6, coming from as many as 3 different countries -England, Scotland and Northern Ireland; meeting at Edinburgh and driving all the way back to Lake District...... (No, flying from England to another country and then driving all the way back was not a miscalculation,......... the dudes love to drive and drive and then drive some more… :)

Now when dudes meet after a long time they will be conversing in malayalam...... and since being in a country where no one understands the language, the obscenity used was predictably high.... Add to the fact - Konu, the great personality, hailing from the Land of Poorams, was there... If Konu is present 90% of the conversation will go something like this

" beep beep Konu beep beep beep Konu's dad beep beep beep beep Konu's dads beep beep beep beep one of Konu's dads beep beep ........." *
You get the idea....


Lake district, more famous for its rustic villages, also provides options for adventure sports...like Water Skiing, Kayaking, water bikes......we had chosen Water skiing :O.


Prelude to reaching the boats we were drunk with the delusion of handling anything and everything....but at the brink of actually doing it, the apprehensiveness in the air shot up by 150%.......
Konu decided to improve the situation... He called out loudly (from the bank) to Sino (in the boat some 100 feet away...)


Konu (loudly): Siiinnnnaaaaaaaa.....
Sino: enthu vada.... (What?)
Konu: ninaaakkkuuuu veetil ninnu phone... (You got a call from home)
Sino:
what is it?
Konu (at the top of his voice): Ninte Accchhhhaaaannnn Peeettttuuuuuu..... (Your father got pregnant and just delivered a baby)


A small innocuous joke.....
As luck would have it another family (dad, mom, bro and sis) were coming behind us
Out of 365 days, they choose that day to visit Lake district
Out of 200 countries in the world, they had to be from India
Out of 28 states and seven union territories in India, they had to be from Kerala ...
Yes they were malayalis ....

In the changing room, the brother confronted us ....
Bro:
Malayali analle ... (u guys are Malayalis right?)
Us: (Dumbstruck - realizing the stupidity for the first time)
yes... {idiotic, epiphany smiles}
Bro:
ok...
(To be translated as "@$$%()£3$. We are malayalis as well and have come for a family holiday. Don’t try to pull a stunt like that.... show a little respect...£%£$% "$^"$%"£$% !£$%!$!"£$ $%%^"$%^"

There is a reason behind the Malayali image after all....


*censored.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Daddy Cool.......

This happened when I had eaten around 12 ona sadyas*

It was a special time. Papa got his first car. Our first car... man, weren’t we (brothers) proud. It was as if we owned the whole Kochi kadapuram (beach)... the sibling rivalry at that time was to sit in the front seat of the car...the rivalry would normally end with both of us thrown into the back seat...

And the car... it was a 1979-model Ambassador.... it was in Majestic white and taller than the tallest Santroz of today...For those motor unenthusiastic "Ambassador" is the India's (80's) answer to Porsche Coupe...

To prove my point, notice the Porsche 356 Coupe (1960) and Ambassador side by side






There are lot of fond memories in that car,

from learning to steer (by sitting beside papa and handling the steering),

from the time when papa drove the car so fast that the "Learners" board (tied to the bonnet) flew away

(never seen mama praying "Swarga Shakthanaya Pitavee" with such zeal)**,

and the car's unbelievable accuracy in breaking down if stopped at Kottayam (I swear whenever the car was stopped at Kottayam, it will not start again........we were convinced that it was beyond coincidence and always drove through Kottayam without stopping - however hungry or however strong the Nature's call was)

Well coming back to the story, it was a Sunday morning and we were going to Church for mass(Yes, hypocrites, I do go to Sunday Mass...). Kurian uncle and Geetha aunty, our neighbours, were with us. Kurian uncle and papa were in the front. Mama predictably, was singing "Anpudayoone Nin vaatil" (Devotional song)... to be read as the mood was very devotional.

Suddenly, While we were near Kaloor bus stand, one drunk dude in a cycle materialized in front of the car (Only in God's own country you will find people enjoying a bottle or two in a Sunday morning). It was papa's good reflex that averted an imminent crash. But no, this is not the reason why I named the blog "Daddy Cool" but what happened later.

Papa got out of the car, and to the amazement of everyone, started verbally thrashing the poor drunk..... in about 5 seconds half a dozen new words were added to my vocabulary. My bro's eyes showed astonishment and we both were grinning ear to ear. Kurian uncle was unembarrassed .... but Mama and Geetha aunty started sitting lower and lower..... To us brothers, papa was dashing than Suresh Gopi (popular movie star)........

In the end, finding it’s of no use, papa started the engine, mama and Geetha aunty got to sit normally, we brothers started discussing the new words (and guessing their meanings). And the poor dude, who felt that his whole morning drinking has been wasted, went back to the shaap (local Bar).


*Means I was 12 years old ;)

**Getting the car was in many ways mama's nightmare, coz to the men from Malakeel house going below 60km/hr is unfathomable.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Nepoleon seized at London Heathrow Airport

How can i introduce our prota-shit (err.. Protagonist) - Mr.Squealer
Charming, Ambitious, wanna-be Casanova.....Or in other words non-stop blabbering, butt-head and will always remain a wanna-be....

It all started at our culturally educational tour to Paris. (Cultural tour my @££, all we wanted was to take a snap in front of Eiffel tower and show it off in Orkut). Well, Mr.Squealer being the most show-off, never misses an opportunity to purchase the best trash...and guess what will be the most striking, at a Nepoleon Souvenir Shop - the exact replica of the Emperor's Pistol.










It was impressive... with its wooden handle and metal barrel it was nothing short of "le Magnifique" And our hero happily paid good cash for it...

Predictable ostentatious show-offs followed.. posing with the gun pointed at himself, at a statue, towards heaven, even at our lady guide..... some guys never grow up I guess…
Sadly every rise will have a fall... After four days of cultural learning the trip was coming to its culmination and we were back at London Airport to catch the flight back home...


While waiting to clear the Cabin luggage security clearance .... Suddenly face of the operator monitoring the luggage lit up. You guessed it - he noticed the look-alike gun (along with a jumble of dirty clothes and other trash). The operator got really animated…(the poor man was trying to be calm and was talking in his walkie-talkie... real hush) you cant blame the operator; I mean, post 911, who with the right mind will bring a (look-alike) gun to an airport…

Enter two of the biggest and meanest looking Security officers with all the armour and helmet. They politely asked Mr.Squealer to step aside…Hero, the smart dude, comprehended the situation and being the charmer himself, started explaining… to show that it is a fake gun, he proceeded to open the luggage….

“Sir, Please move away from the bag”
“Sir, Please don’t touch it”
Half the airport would have heard it….
the right hand of the security officers where ready with the gun (original, not look-alike)…..the security staff standing near him was frozen (eyes were about to jump out of her face)......all the passengers where alarmed and were ready to throw everything and run for their lives...and our hero was shaking like a leaf…. it was like in a live action Angrez movie …..

The rest is speculation – we saw him being marched off into a room and we heard that he would be thoroughly searched …. I mean thoroughly…. This is the plight of the airport security officers, yeah they get to have cool gadgets, but they also have to endure such atrocities..… after having to look at Mr.Squealer (in his birthday suit) the poor souls will have nightmares for rest of their lives ….

In the end they concluded that, bare the stupidity, our hero is harmless … Thank the stars that he decided to shave of his beard before the trip…. And after seizing the gun, let Mr.Squealer on his way… The moment he was out of that room, our hero was back with his normal charm…. blabbering, making fun, acting the Casanova….. It was as if nothing had happened at all …. This is what people like about him, give him hell, still our hero will still come out smiling …. Bravo mate


Below is a snap of the actual replica of the Emperor’s Pistol – I would also like to say that the person holding it is not, repeat not, our hero……












And no, this is not a picture of the hero pointing the gun at our lady guide....